Inward Thinking

What does it mean to be human?

January 11, 2020

2:11am

Dear Diary,

What does it mean, being human, in a society that succumbs to materialistic ways of seeing things? Where I'm judged not by who I am, but what occupation I hold and title I carry. What stuff I've collected to show my value to the outside world.

However, what about the human heart?

What about my inner life? Obtaining a foundation not of stuff on the outside, but obtaining wisdom, knowledge, and strength on the inside? When something happens: loss of a job, illness, injury, etc., where the materialistic life can be taken away in an instant; however, destructive forces can't take away my inner strength to stay resilient. The strength I need to redefine and revalue who I am: finding a way to cope, move forward, and survive as I rebuild over time.

Being human is complex. There are so many outside influences and things to fill my life with temporary happiness and highs. But like with many in our society, there's still the complaint of depression, loneliness, poverty, evils taking over the world, even when the standard of living improves. Where are mine and everyone's happiness going? We wish so much to remove our loneliness, but then never pick up the phone calling a friend saying "hi," beyond texting. Perhaps technology is moving faster than society can keep up with the new social stigmas, rules, and regulations that come with every new form of communication. Even the definition of "friend" has been redefined in cyberspace.

I have over 200 "friends" on Facebook, but I mostly feel no real "friendship" connection to the 200+ cyber profile pictures I see. This world is rapidly becoming a different world. Does this mean there'll be a reaction with continued technology? More people wishing to go back around the trees and rivers? When possible, it seems people are already finding ways to push the "off" button. Only the future knows the extent people will go to get away from everything to embrace being just human.

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Being Perfect

June 20, 2020

10:45 am

Dear Diary,

There are times I wish I didn't feel the need to be so perfect. Logically I understand in reality, I don't have to be perfect, but my life hasn't trained me to accept the imperfections within myself. There's always something to work on.

It's hard when a moment happens, and you think, " If I could only be perfect, everything would work out." But then I have to remember being completely perfect is an impossible task. I'm human, and humans have flaws while making mistakes.

The best thing, and the first step, is becoming aware of my flaws that cause mishaps. Second, understand how to overcome these flaws that can create those mishaps. Awareness is the first big step before the change. And if I become aware of my actions before I have the ability to change at that moment, I think I should get more credit. When insight happens about what I do negatively, which affects another human being, that's still important. Inner growth and change do take time.

Not that I go around saying, "I'm human, and therefore you have to put up with my sh*t!" I disagree with that.

But awareness can still be a big step. I'm aware of a lot of things within myself. I admit I do have flaws, and sometimes those flaws are unproductive. It can also become difficult sometimes to change under certain pressuring circumstances and not create excuses for faulty actions. I'm working to stay aware of my imperfections that end up affecting the outside world while observing those actions from inside myself.

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At a slugs pace, but at least it's still a pace

June 18, 2020

2:53 am

At this moment, if only life could move faster. While observing myself, I feel I'm watching this slug inching alone a 12-inch ruler. However, every meniscal movement forward isn't nothing, for nothing, but something. Example: Today, for a workout, I finally did take a walk around the block while utilizing my pull up bar (I can do one) with some hanging abs. I also worked on getting mask-making pictures on my mask page. Without argument, my mom and I also came to some final conclusions on my next purse project.

Even though it's hard to move forward these days, each day seems to be a little more productive. I have so much to do, with a mind that feels trapped in a fog and an energy level that feels trapped in molasses. I wish, just for a moment, time would standstill.

This covid isolation is quite the mind trip. With school, I had a place to go and, depending on the class, intellectual nutrition. When I could make the Quilters Guild meetings, I connected while being inspired by other creative spirits. When I had a job, I was around other people, helping out, and getting a paycheck. Also, there use to be shopping at Target, where I would sometimes just walk around the isles and take my time, but not anymore; I rush to get out as soon as possible. I also canceled my gym membership, where I could be around others working out for the same health reasons. All this no longer exists. Even so, I must still get up in the morning and continue to embrace something with meaning that can pull me through, so I can get to the end of this 12-inch ruler. Even snails and slugs, remember, make it to their destination at some point, in the garden.

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Creative Spirit

June 17, 2020

2:37 am

Dear Diary,

It's tough: This isolation - stay at home - social unrest - political divide - incomplete grades not going through. Life's been put on pause while not knowing when this pause button will be pushed, so life outside can start again.

To keep me from sinking down the rabbit hole, my creative life is usually what I embrace. I'm finding it difficult emotionally to stay above water. I got into mask making, which helped, but that need slowed down. I'm now working on a purse idea out of the mask pattern to reinvent the concept. However, the prototype takes longer than expected while Mom and I work on the concept together. Perfection is hard, and I don't feel like being perfect. This is a time when people don't really care about perfectionism.

Underneath, I have a spirit that feels trapped with a load of emotions that goes back and forth and up and down. I've gotten to the end of how much I can take being a perfectionist on this creative project. I, however, appreciate my mom's help and ideas that have gotten me this far. But I need to be set free with my creative spirit and fly.

My emotions need an unrestricted outlet. I'm bursting. At this moment, I keep working to find answers as to why I feel under enthusiastic. I ask myself daily, what can I create to pull myself up and out of this rabbit hole? What will motivate me to breathe in life today? All I have right now is this present moment, to an extreme, while waiting for the future to unpause itself.

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Hopeful Art

June 12, 2002

3:59 am

Dear Diary,

Today, as I was sewing up a storm again, I was thinking about my creative life. I was sewing masks for this person who has an autistic son living in a group home. I've made her masks before, so this was a reorder. She wanted masks made from old jeans she had, as a birthday present for her son, and one mask for herself. I did my usual and went creatively overboard, gluing and sewing fabric designs on the masks' front. When I'm given a blank canvas, it's just my natural tendency. When I understand the difficulties a person must be facing, it's hard to not over create. I hope to give this person a moment of hope, through art, that will last every time they see the unique creation.

Same with my International Relations study buddy Silvia, who has now transferred to S.F.U. When I found out Silvia was having a hard time in SF during the Covid-19 shut down, I made her a mask. To help save her some pennies, I then kept sewing, surprising her with a whole unpapered set, with a handmade shopping bag.

That's what art is to me, hope. Whether it's a parent with the difficult task of having a child that's not the norm or a study buddy from the past in dire straits -- art is my way of shining a light on that moment, just for a moment. A moment that's now embedded in a physical object during tough times. I know what it's like to just wish for hope to come around the corner. So, that's why I create art - to create hope.